im a survivor

have you ever thought WHY? WHY does bad things happen to good people, WHY did that happen to me???? right now im caught up in the why did that happen to me...Why did i just spend almost 12 years with a guy, marry him for 7 years, have a son, buy a house, think everything was awesome only to get here and now i have a house, have a son, but i don't have that guy anymore...WHY did i have to go there to get here which is husband less???? what lesson have i learnt? that you never really know what is a round the corner, that woman's intuition doesn't always work, that you never really get to know the person your with??? they are just a few, the most important i have learnt is
1. its ok to be separated/divorced
2. its ok to be a single mum
3. my son is the most important person to me
4. i am way stronger than i give myself credit for
5. stop asking why because
I'm a survivor~!

has he gone forever?

3 months...has it been that long? already?! 3 months since the love of my life, well left my life.

I still remeber it, as clear as anything as sure as i was on that day, the day i met and fell instantly inlove with (HIM). and as sure as i was on that day, im sure its not done for good!

happiness is my state of mind!

from now on i will choose to be happy! don't wish me luck, i know i can do this!!!

i have been thinking is it really that hard to wake up of a morning and put a smile on your face and really mean it? i don't think so! i choose to have happiness as my state of mind from now on. they say that it takes 21 days to break a habit good or bad...looks like my happiness is now 21 days in the making!

i'll keep you posted! x

am i the only one that thinks that way?

sometimes i think, im going crazy! do you ever think like that? i could worry myself for no good reason into a state of panic, i guess because my biggest fear is to GO CRAZY, it terrifies me!

i know life can me so easy if you just let it be, but instead i put up obstacles for myself and hinder any kind of chance of just living the dream....cause in fact when i stop all my senseless worry for 5 seconds i can see that "i am living my dream".

its 9am and im still lying in bed with my son, im blogging and he's watching avatar, im under no pressure to get up and clean cook or whatever i should be doing as a part time stay at home mum, my husband isn't abusive in any way he never tells me NO, our son is AWESOME i am truly bless, we own our home, our car, we all have our health and really want for nothing.....its like i get bored and have to make a drama for myself, i dont know why i do this is exhausting analysing everything, thinking have i changed, i dont feel so happy go lucky this week dose this me insanity is creeping in??? honestly i have had a head ache for days and feel like i haven't slept and now re-reading this blog it just seems like one crazy senseless rant and why act like a sitting duck waiting for it to come creeping in when it most probably wont, there is more chance of getting up and having the most brilliant day of my life then slipping in to the insanity abyss that im so afraid of and give all my energy to.......im starting to sound more like a bored house wife that just needs to get a life!!!!

i might go and start enjoying my life! x

better than yesterday!

oh what a cold morning, it began at the crack of dawn it always does on my work days.....im up at 5.30 getting bags together, packing lunches, getting the slow cooker ready, making 2 trips to the car 1 with all the bags and 2 carrying my sometimes still sleeping baby boy and making toast and coffee for the drive to my sisters house to drop Taj off before i drive on to work.

the high light of the trip to my sisters is not only sharing the first hours of my morning with my one and only (so far) but the pit of the stomach excitement as we watch the hot air balloons pop up from behind a bunch of tree's or the look in taj's eyes when the pilot sets the burns alight to get the balloon higher, at that time of the morning taj has eyes the size of sources so big and round....and than the welcoming we get at my sisters from my nephew Nash...."hello aannn wachel" (aunty rachel) and then i get 10,15,20 or more "hi's" in the space of the quick 5min's i get to spare before i have to leave and the squeal from Cruz from the top of the stairs....wachel, wachel!!!!

i have to say compared to yesterday today was AWESOME!

crappy day

i dragged myself out of bed this morning, still feeling let done that it didn't happen again this month...why did i let the gap between kids get so big i keep asking myself and why did i get married at 31 and not 28 like i wanted to?????

i have all the answers but get sick of reminding myself....the gap between kids is because we fostered Cruz and there was no way i could handle being pregnant and looking after Taj and Cruz risking having the kind of morning sickness i had while pregnant with Taj (i couldn't look after myself) it was so bad!! and we wanted to give Cruz a chance.....oh and i didn't get married at 28 like i wanted because Jake and i had only been together for 2 years and were still living it up.......oh that's why I've just reminded myself again!

my mood didn't help the way i treated poor taj today either, we have been stuck at home for the last 2 days while the ceiling has been repaired and have a touch of cabin fever, he is bored out of his brain and just wants me to play with him and I'm so grumpy i feel like crawling into bed getting in the fetal position and staying there until tomorrow. i played blocks 3 times with him then we coloured then he wanted to play blocks again and i was way over it....no taj i don't want to play blocks again, lets do drawings? Taj; no mum come on play blocks with me! me; no Taj i don't want to, lets do homework? (puzzles etc) taj; nah come on baby play blocks! this goes on until i go up to his face and scream...I DON'T WANT TO PLAY FRIGGING BLOCKS WHAT DON'T YOU GET!!!!!!! oh the shame i felt and still do. i was watching him tonight as he watched his movie and ate his ice cream and my heart ached that poor little boy wanted nothing but me do sit and stack blocks with him and i screamed in his face. what i think i need to do after re-reading this post is to get the hell over myself it has only been the second month of trying for a baby, learn some patients towards taj's before and if another one (baby) comes along and also count my blessings that i do have at least one child that loves me even when I'm being a complete bully. x

i wish i was as interesting as all those other people that manage to write a blog each day....but im not im sooooooooooooooooo boring!

Oh how i hate needles!

Today Taj got he's 4 year needles, i cried, he cried he even kicked the lady....in fact it's 5 hours later and he still keeps crying on and off. My poor baby! I guess even pirates have to shed a tear every now and then?!

A pirate lives here...

Ahoy there me hearties! Taj loves pirates everywhere you look in our house there is something pirate. I love that he has so much imagination when he plays his pirate games and love the look on his face when he's watching his pirate movies...anything from Jack Sparrow to Peter Pan good or bad he loves his pirates! x

Here are some pic's from around our house.

Told you so!.

Wondering!!!!

Do you ever WONDER, am i as good a mother as her???
After reading other blogs, magazine and what you see on TV or just other woman in shopping centres. Do you WONDER if you measure up?

These others i speak of seem to have extra hours in the day to....never say to their kids hang on a sec, I'm coming, no... you do it and give me 5 minutes to myself!!!!
They claim they're on the floor playing blocks, colouring, make believe, at the park etc some have posted pic's of the home which look absolutely spotless they are immaculate...how do they do it without the stress, without wanting to scream WHAT ABOUT ME while pulling their hair out or banging their head against a wall or hang on I'm writing a blog and yes its about you!!!!

Is it just me???? And please I'm not doubting them please dont think that, maybe i have a problem? Maybe I'm not a good mum or just plain old not cut out to be a mum???
I do say HANG ON A SECOND!!! a lot. Maybe I'm selfish with my time?
But i really WONDER do they immediately get down on the floor when asked to, go out and play when asked to, come colour when asked to???

Its been a while!

It has been some time since my last post....if anyone has been reading?

Since my last post we have has Christmas, New Years and Taj and Cruz's 4th and 2nd Birthdays and been camping for 2 awesome weeks.

We have also decided that we cant care for Cruz any more....it is to hard! I love him and have time for him but it is stressful...sooooo stressful. My good sister has applied for kinship so we'll have him with us a little longer.