am i the only one that thinks that way?

sometimes i think, im going crazy! do you ever think like that? i could worry myself for no good reason into a state of panic, i guess because my biggest fear is to GO CRAZY, it terrifies me!

i know life can me so easy if you just let it be, but instead i put up obstacles for myself and hinder any kind of chance of just living the dream....cause in fact when i stop all my senseless worry for 5 seconds i can see that "i am living my dream".

its 9am and im still lying in bed with my son, im blogging and he's watching avatar, im under no pressure to get up and clean cook or whatever i should be doing as a part time stay at home mum, my husband isn't abusive in any way he never tells me NO, our son is AWESOME i am truly bless, we own our home, our car, we all have our health and really want for nothing.....its like i get bored and have to make a drama for myself, i dont know why i do this is exhausting analysing everything, thinking have i changed, i dont feel so happy go lucky this week dose this me insanity is creeping in??? honestly i have had a head ache for days and feel like i haven't slept and now re-reading this blog it just seems like one crazy senseless rant and why act like a sitting duck waiting for it to come creeping in when it most probably wont, there is more chance of getting up and having the most brilliant day of my life then slipping in to the insanity abyss that im so afraid of and give all my energy to.......im starting to sound more like a bored house wife that just needs to get a life!!!!

i might go and start enjoying my life! x

better than yesterday!

oh what a cold morning, it began at the crack of dawn it always does on my work days.....im up at 5.30 getting bags together, packing lunches, getting the slow cooker ready, making 2 trips to the car 1 with all the bags and 2 carrying my sometimes still sleeping baby boy and making toast and coffee for the drive to my sisters house to drop Taj off before i drive on to work.

the high light of the trip to my sisters is not only sharing the first hours of my morning with my one and only (so far) but the pit of the stomach excitement as we watch the hot air balloons pop up from behind a bunch of tree's or the look in taj's eyes when the pilot sets the burns alight to get the balloon higher, at that time of the morning taj has eyes the size of sources so big and round....and than the welcoming we get at my sisters from my nephew Nash...."hello aannn wachel" (aunty rachel) and then i get 10,15,20 or more "hi's" in the space of the quick 5min's i get to spare before i have to leave and the squeal from Cruz from the top of the stairs....wachel, wachel!!!!

i have to say compared to yesterday today was AWESOME!

crappy day

i dragged myself out of bed this morning, still feeling let done that it didn't happen again this month...why did i let the gap between kids get so big i keep asking myself and why did i get married at 31 and not 28 like i wanted to?????

i have all the answers but get sick of reminding myself....the gap between kids is because we fostered Cruz and there was no way i could handle being pregnant and looking after Taj and Cruz risking having the kind of morning sickness i had while pregnant with Taj (i couldn't look after myself) it was so bad!! and we wanted to give Cruz a chance.....oh and i didn't get married at 28 like i wanted because Jake and i had only been together for 2 years and were still living it up.......oh that's why I've just reminded myself again!

my mood didn't help the way i treated poor taj today either, we have been stuck at home for the last 2 days while the ceiling has been repaired and have a touch of cabin fever, he is bored out of his brain and just wants me to play with him and I'm so grumpy i feel like crawling into bed getting in the fetal position and staying there until tomorrow. i played blocks 3 times with him then we coloured then he wanted to play blocks again and i was way over it....no taj i don't want to play blocks again, lets do drawings? Taj; no mum come on play blocks with me! me; no Taj i don't want to, lets do homework? (puzzles etc) taj; nah come on baby play blocks! this goes on until i go up to his face and scream...I DON'T WANT TO PLAY FRIGGING BLOCKS WHAT DON'T YOU GET!!!!!!! oh the shame i felt and still do. i was watching him tonight as he watched his movie and ate his ice cream and my heart ached that poor little boy wanted nothing but me do sit and stack blocks with him and i screamed in his face. what i think i need to do after re-reading this post is to get the hell over myself it has only been the second month of trying for a baby, learn some patients towards taj's before and if another one (baby) comes along and also count my blessings that i do have at least one child that loves me even when I'm being a complete bully. x

i wish i was as interesting as all those other people that manage to write a blog each day....but im not im sooooooooooooooooo boring!