crappy day

i dragged myself out of bed this morning, still feeling let done that it didn't happen again this month...why did i let the gap between kids get so big i keep asking myself and why did i get married at 31 and not 28 like i wanted to?????

i have all the answers but get sick of reminding myself....the gap between kids is because we fostered Cruz and there was no way i could handle being pregnant and looking after Taj and Cruz risking having the kind of morning sickness i had while pregnant with Taj (i couldn't look after myself) it was so bad!! and we wanted to give Cruz a chance.....oh and i didn't get married at 28 like i wanted because Jake and i had only been together for 2 years and were still living it up.......oh that's why I've just reminded myself again!

my mood didn't help the way i treated poor taj today either, we have been stuck at home for the last 2 days while the ceiling has been repaired and have a touch of cabin fever, he is bored out of his brain and just wants me to play with him and I'm so grumpy i feel like crawling into bed getting in the fetal position and staying there until tomorrow. i played blocks 3 times with him then we coloured then he wanted to play blocks again and i was way over it....no taj i don't want to play blocks again, lets do drawings? Taj; no mum come on play blocks with me! me; no Taj i don't want to, lets do homework? (puzzles etc) taj; nah come on baby play blocks! this goes on until i go up to his face and scream...I DON'T WANT TO PLAY FRIGGING BLOCKS WHAT DON'T YOU GET!!!!!!! oh the shame i felt and still do. i was watching him tonight as he watched his movie and ate his ice cream and my heart ached that poor little boy wanted nothing but me do sit and stack blocks with him and i screamed in his face. what i think i need to do after re-reading this post is to get the hell over myself it has only been the second month of trying for a baby, learn some patients towards taj's before and if another one (baby) comes along and also count my blessings that i do have at least one child that loves me even when I'm being a complete bully. x